Today I Am Mad At The World

Today I am mad at the world. I have a child with Autism among other disabilities. I fight on a daily basis to not only get all his needs met but to also get him accepted into programs that will be beneficial to his future and the future of our society. I have a brother who was never treated or even formally diagnosed for that matter and I can’t and won’t even allow him around my children due to his lack of treatment. I see what it has done to his life. Over the years he has been in jail, homeless, jobless, and even when he is able to hold down a job he squanders his money and then cries that he just wants to get help. This is not what I want for my own child. I spend many sleepless nights crying and worrying that these things could happen to my son when he becomes an adult. In order for this to not happen I have had to stop working 7yrs ago because no day care will accept a child who has violent outbursts. I have yet to find a safe and loving place that cares for children like mine. As his mother I know its my job to get and give him the best possible care there is. I sacrifice everything to care for and seek treatment for my child. There are no date nights for mom and dad. There are no weekend getaways. Even during the day when school is in session I am on call as at any given moment I can and will be summoned to the school to help fix any problems that may and trust me do occur. School started in August and now here we are in the middle of October and I may have had two days I wasn’t called or summoned immediately to the school. Don’t misunderstand me as I am not complaining as I stated earlier this is my job and I accept my position.
What I am mad at is society and all the programs that are supposed to be available to help my child succeed in life. Society thinks I sit home on the couch with the remote in one hand and tossing bon bons in my mouth with the other. Society treats me as if somehow his disabilities were caused by something I did wrong. Agencies are just as bad if not worse. The second I actually get into a scheduled interview for a program I am greeted by someone who looks at me as if I plan on running off to a casino or out to buy myself the latest pair of Jordans if I am granted the help I seek. Obviously there are people like this that do exist but I am not one of them. I have had one haircut in the last 5yrs, I have worn the same pair of sneakers for the last two years and those were given to me by my neighbor, I spend hours searching promo codes and coupons on the internet, and the last year I cant even get out of the house to coupon myself and am very blessed that I have used my resources to find a fabulous friend who actually does it for me. I sleep 5hrs a night and have seen a Dr once in the last year because there is just no time for me. Sometimes 3-4 days will pass before I can even sit and watch a television program. I’m a good mom no actually I am a great mom but I am so tired of constantly having to prove that to society and to agencies and programs. Lately I have come to realize that while I was busy being the best mom I could be society changed on me. In todays world you are automatically some horrible person in the eyes of everyone and you must prove that you are a good person. I’m not used to this and am taking it really hard.
My friends and family are the best and they are always uplifting me and acknowledging all that I do for my children. Without such a wonderful support system I’m not even sure I could continue on in this journey. I always say I don’t think any of them even know how grateful I am to each and every one of them.
Don’t get this post wrong and think for one second I am feeling sorry for myself because that is not the case. My children tell me multiple times a day that I am “the best mom ever” and that in itself is so rewarding to me. I have a god man who tells me I am beautiful when I haven’t even taken my hair out of the ponytail from the night before. My Blessings are so different than those of others but they are mine and I am thankful for them all.
I’m just mad that society and agencies are so easy to judge me. The last time I checked God isn’t hiring and I would appreciate if he were the only one to judge me when that day comes.